Listening Filters
Previously, I talked about heart listening. If you’re like most of us you may have developed filters to your listening. Some of those filters listen for the negative and some listen for the positive. Whatever you listen for, you will hear. (Thanks to the Thriving Relationship Center)
When your partner truly feels heard you might notice a positive and healthy release of feelings, more energy, deeper breaths, more relaxation, deeper conversation, greater joy and appreciation and an open heart. If you don’t want these try the following.
Some of the negative listening filters might be at work if you find yourself hearing:
- How someone is trying to control you
- How you can try to control others
- Who is right and wrong
- How you are being criticized
- Things to criticize in others
- How you messed up or didn’t get it good enough
- How you can fix things (which is okay but only after you’ve first offered them empathy and acknowledgment and if they actually want your feedback).
- Who to blame
- What to analyze
- Relating everything back to yourself
- What you are going to say next
- Debating or being ‘devil’s advocate’
- Correcting for accuracy
- Trying to soothe their natural and healthy expression of feelings because you are uncomfortable with their feelings.
Positive Listening filters should include some of the following instead:
+ Trying to truly understand them
+ Their best intentions
+ Their feelings and needs underneath what they are saying
+ What you can learn from them
+ Having empathy, imagining what it is like to be them
+ What you can appreciate about them
+ Their strengths and gifts
+ What they did well
+ Honoring their unique experience, even if it’s different than yours
+ Taking responsibility for your own feelings, thoughts, and role in whatever occurred
Remember, we are listening for the long-term relationship, not the short-term win.
