Ever found yourself in a disagreement or all-out fight with your best friend?
Dr. Sue Johnson, in her book Created for Connection, postulates that you are likely sensing a form of emotional disconnection and are acting out to reestablish the relationship you value. As partners in a thriving relationship, we want to know that our partner can be depended on, that they will be present when we need them, that they will respond appropriately to meet our need, that they value us, accept us and want us with them.
Sitting on our bed is a pillow with a string of elephants pictured across it. It speaks to our 18 years in Africa but it is the phrase underneath which speaks to our now. The words say “Together is Our Favorite Place.” So, it is. We can’t imagine a better place than to be together but that doesn’t mean we don’t have disagreements along the way. We are two first-borns, type A, schedules-fully- loaded individuals who have been in leadership over 40 years. It is easy to get disconnected.
Fear is the alarm bell that alerts us to potential disconnection. Our instincts tap into what we know in response. Some of us look to blame and set up conflict in order to correct things. Some withdraw thinking that will create peace. We pursue or withdraw and start a cycle of what Gary Smalley has labeled the ‘fear dance.’
The key to survival in this fear dance is to pause long enough to recognize what is going on. So often, we are into the dance before we realize that we are responding to a sense of disconnection. Trying to mutually blame the other is a dead-end effort and will keep you miles apart. You need a safe haven to re-engage. Mutual withdrawal as an effort to keep the peace is actually worse for the long-term relationship as you learn to live with disconnection.
Blaming the other person is a form of self-protection but marriage is not a form of martial arts. We don’t attack to wake them up to our needs. As I often tell my clients, you can choose to be right or you can choose to have a relationship. Being on the same team is not about establishing right and wrong.
If you’re wondering whether attachment is an issue you can explore with a coach, consider whether any of the following realities are impacting you.
You feel unimportant or devalued by your partner.
You feel excluded and alone.
You feel abandoned at a time of need or you sense that you can’t depend on your partner’s support.
You feel a surge of anger due to your partner’s lack of response.
You feel a deep sense of loss when you look at your partner.
You feel hopeless and lacking in confidence that things will change.
You feel like shutting down and numbing out as negative sensations become overwhelming.
You feel like a failure and inadequate as a partner.
You feel that the only way to cope is to deny your problems and needs.
You feel that you have to deny yourself and do increasingly desperate things to avoid your partner’s rage and disapproval.
You feel robotic through making everything a logical problem without accessing your emotional resources.
Take note of your feelings: Do you feel like you have moved away from your partner; do you feel paralyzed; are you pushing your feelings away; our you hiding or spacing out; are you spending more time in your head trying to fix things; are you feeling like you might be depressed or numb; do you feel a sense of hopelessness or failure.
All these are good indications that an outside support like a coach might be a solution for your relationship.
