Quagmire One Identity
"The things that make me different are the things that make me." —Piglet
The issue of identity has risen to the fore for leaders as they navigate the complexities of ministry and marriage. Through global exposure of technology, it is easy to feel the pressure of comparing yourself to others, of functioning out of fear, and of measuring your value by what others think-or what you think they are thinking. It is tempting to move from one opportunity to the next, to discover meaning and satisfaction, and it is tempting to be someone in the limelight that you aren’t at home, where the masks can come off, and where insecurities can find shadowy expression.
Several factors come into play with the collision of ministry and marriage around the issue of identity. Some of these may include things like the factors that make us individuals (birth order, ethnicity, etc.). Other factors may include the influence of current social thinking (like intersectionality). Who we think we are in ministry and marriage can also be influenced by our visions, our personality, our friendships, and our roles or responsibilities.
Marriage is so much more than understanding who I am. It is understanding who we are. Too often, we look in the mirror and all we see is me.
Identity and Individuality Who are you?
Jim and Sharon finished their paperwork with the receptionist and stood shoulder to shoulder in my office pointing out sights on the skyline. As I set up the space, Jim nodded, and handed over the sheet of goals for our time together. They slumped into the loveseat and shifted until they found their comfort. After brief interaction, we started their honest conversation with having to face this quagmire of identity.
“I don’t know who I am anymore,” Sharon said. “It all seemed fine when we started our relationship. I knew Jim was called into the ministry and I went along for the ride. I said the vows about his people being my people, and his God being my God, but I didn’t realize that I was going to lose who I was.” She shifted in her chair, glancing at Jim for reassurance. “The first year was kind of an adjustment hell, but we made it. We changed jobs in the seventh year and went through a time where I thought we were going to break. Over and over, I am the one who has to let go of my relationships and start all over again.”
Jim reached over and gave Sharon’s hand a squeeze. “We were both raised with the traditional view that the man is the leader who gets the call, and the woman looks after the home. Sharon had so many gifts that the people in our community elevated her to positions of responsibility, and things got tense when it was hard to be fully present for the kids, and the community as well. I think the people in our first community missed her more than they missed me. They keep calling her and expecting her to have time for them like before.”
I couldn’t help smiling. “The question of identity has raged to the fore in our day. How do you define yourself? In what priority do you determine identity by faith, nationality, birthplace, cultural ethnicity, education, employment position, birth family, marital status, birth order, personality, gender, family role, strengths? Have you had time to consider all this?”
Sharon jumped in. “I’ve probably thought about a few of those things, but not really had time to consider how it affects our relationship. We’re both believers, of course, I’m a firstborn and Jim is an only child. His family is richer than mine, but we’ve done okay.”
“Do you know Anthony Kiedis?” I asked.
“You mean the guy with the Red-Hot Chili Peppers?” Jim responded.
“No, his uncle. Same name. He says that “until you settle your identity, you will live in leadership insecurity.”[i] Insecurity is a sure recipe for collision in marriage and ministry.”
“You can say that again,” Sharon said. “I thought I was the one with a lost identity, and insecurity, until we had that big fight. Jim unloaded on me about being controlling, and emotional, and I accused him of being manipulative, and unfaithful.”
“How did it all start?” I asked.
Jim shifted in his chair and raised his hand. “It was me. We usually schedule things a month in advance, and I got busy, and didn’t take the time to let her know that the board chair scheduled a vision retreat on the weekend after Thanksgiving. Sharon knows that is always a time when we visit her folks and she booked the tickets without talking to me.”
“Ooops!” I said. “Definitely sounds like a collision. There’s a leadership guru named Crawford Loritts Jr. He says ‘never underestimate the power of self-deception and the pull toward self-reliance.’[ii] He sees the primary identity of ministry leaders as formed through suffering, struggle, failure, and hard-fought successes.[iii] Seems like you faced some of that.”
“We could use some of those successes,” Jim said. “It seems that since this last big impact on our church, and in our society, we’ve been languishing and trying to survive our ministry and our marriage.”
"Languishing is a real thing, I said, "but could your current marriage challenges be part of the refining process of who you are becoming? Out of the eight billion humans on this planet there are no other two like you and your spouse. The question of identity is a clarifying question when it comes to ministry.”
Jim rose and took time to fill his glass at the water cooler. “I’m still not sure why identity is so important to Sharon. When we got married, we made a covenant to be one. Why is this so important?”
“What was the question Jesus gave to his followers in Caesarea Philippi?” I asked.
“Who do people say I am?” Jim answered.
“And what was the next question?”
Sharon leaned forward. “But who do you say I am?”[iv]
“That’s the question of identity. Jesus had already been affirmed at his baptism, when his Father announced his identity, and that laid the foundation of assurance for all that would follow.[v] When we work with each other, it not only matters that we know who we are, but also that those we work with know who we are as well. That’s true for husbands and wives, and for congregants.”
“So, you’re saying that we act out of who we think we are,” Sharon said. “That this question of identity hits at the core of our being when we make decisions, or choices, in our ministry, or marriage.”
“Yes!” I picked up a handout, and found the quote I was looking for. “Bill Howatt, Founder and CEO of Howatt HR says: ‘The mark of a good leader is defined by how you show up each day, respond to stressful challenges and behave in good and challenging times. … As a leader, you're defined by every interaction related to your readiness to lead and deal with challenges and opportunities as they occur. Understanding your leadership identity begins with how you view yourself and how you show up to work each day regarding your attitude, mindset and mental and physical energy.’[vi]
“I can see that for work,” Jim said, “but we’re dealing with our marriage.”
“What is true for the identity and character of a leader in the workplace is also true in the home. Part of the collision for leaders comes when who they are at home is far different than who they are in public.”
“What can we do about our relationship?” Sharon asked. “Sometimes I feel like I’m always dealing with the trap of comparing who I am with my husband, or half a dozen other successful women in our community. I’m always having to mind read, because he never tells me anything, anymore.”
I passed her a handout with three interlocking circles. “Any formula for lasting relationship growth involves three factors. For both partners there must be equal inner growth which involves self-awareness, inner resourcing, cultivation of core beliefs, healing and intentional commitment to the other. There must also be external growth which embraces new actions and reactions to the circumstances and situations you are in. Your growth and your partner’s growth are both essential.”
She held it out for Jim to see better. “The third factor is the growth of your combined relationship through an intentional and deliberate effort to establish safe and secure attachment, plus the implementation of tools and strategies for healthy communication, support, and connection.[vii] We’re not working to compare our growth against each other’s, but to team up so both of you are growing.”
“I thought attachment had to do with children and parents.” Sharon said.
“We’ll talk more about this another time,” I said, “but attachment theory believes that how safe and secure we felt in our family of origin, or other past relationships, impacts how safe and secure we feel in our current relationship. It is about how we give and receive love.”
Sharon released the handout and tapped on Jim’s wrist. “Now, that explains a lot about why you have trouble feeling safe with me. It doesn’t take long with your mother before I understand you completely.”
“It isn’t that bad,” Jim said.
I held up my hand. “One more thing before I give you another handout. As leaders, we can look at our identity in one of three ways. We can think that what we have determines what we do, and therefore who we are. We can think that what we do determines what we have, and therefore who we are. Or, we can believe that who we are unleashes what we do, and then what we have. A difference of thinking in this area will definitely create its own conflicts. Aligning our goals, beliefs, and values at the core is essential.”
Those three formulas look something like this: Where does your identity come from?
Have Do Be
Do Have Be
Be Do Have
“Maybe we need some time to think through all this,” Jim said. “Our conflict might be in part of what we’ve been talking about today.”
“Just so you are aware,” I said. “69% of conflicts are considered perpetual. In other words, you may be dealing with the same thing over and over again.[viii] The key to a solid marriage might be figuring out how to deal with those unmoveable problems along the way. Having a sense of humor is helpful. When you married, you chose a group of unsolvable issues to wrestle with. What you don’t want happening is emotional disengagement and broken trust that traps you in gridlock.”
“How do we know if we’re in gridlock?” Jim asked.
I rummaged through my binder and extracted a single sheet of paper. “Here are eight signs to cause concern.”[ix]
1.The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner.
2. You keep talking about it but make no headway.
3. You become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge.
4. When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated and hurt.
5. Your conversations about the problems are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection.
6. You become even more ‘unbudgeable’ over time, which leads you to vilify each other during these conversations.
7. This vilification makes you all the more rooted in your positions, and polarized, more extreme in your views, and all the less willing to compromise.
8. Eventually you disengage from each other emotionally.
“Even if you see these characteristics to some degree in your conflicts, there is still a way to escape gridlock if you’re motivated enough.”
“What about solvable problems?” Jim asked.
“Generally, these kinds of problems are less painful, gut-wrenching, or intense. That doesn’t mean they go away easily. You still need to face them head-on. Your identity can play a huge role in determining whether your issues are perpetual, or solvable. Take some time this week and see if you can differentiate which of your issues are solvable and which are perpetual.”
[i] https://www.leaderslifeandwork.com/blog/the-most-important-word-in-leadership [ii] Crawford Loritts, Leadership as an Identity: The Four Traits of Those Who Wield Lasting Influence, p. 92. [iii] Ibid. pp. 94-96. [iv] Matthew 16:13-16 [v] Matthew 3:17 [vi] Bill Howatt, “Your Leadership Identity Matters,” Forbes Leadership Council Blog. January 31, 2023. [vii] Bret and Christine Eartheart, Center for Thriving Relationship. Coaching notes. [viii] John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Seven Dials: London, 2018, p. 138. [ix] Gottman, ibid. p. 141.
