Identity and Ministry
“A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.” — Dave Meurer
Sam and Hannah were in the same quagmire of identity from a different angle. It took months after Hannah’s departure before she was ready for a conversation. We’d already been through the awkward phases of the discussion around the separation before we faced the reality of how their marriage and ministry had conflicted. The two of them sat six feet apart in separate chairs facing the loveseat where I was perched.
“Of course, I left him,” Hannah said. “He never, ever, took time to find out anything about who I am. I was just another one of his minions to do what he needed me to do.” She snapped her fingers. “Hannah, I need you to do this. Hannah, I need you to do that.”
I took a deep breath and started. “I think I see part of the issue for you. There are six possible ways in which ministry and marriage might collide when it comes to identity. Both partners have ministry identities and personal identities. Collision might come between ministry identities, between personal identities, or between ministry and personal identities. Aligning all six is an art if we are to move toward a thriving relationship.”
“What do you mean by that?” Sam asked.
I sorted through the files sitting beside me on the loveseat and handed both of them a handout with a drawing.
“I hope you’re going to make sense of all this,” Hannah said.
“Just take a moment to look this over first.”
Personal Identity of Husband
Personal Identity of Wife
Ministry Identity of Husband
Ministry Identity of Wife
I tried to explain what they were looking at. “Identity is a complex and multi-dimensional reality which is consistently changing as we mature and encounter more and more of life. Who we are is influenced by individual experience, belief, growth, and what we align ourselves to. Our faith, society, and culture, help shape how we perceive ourselves, and how we are perceived by others. Through our exploration, commitments, and consolidation, we develop character, strength, and direction. Our sense of belonging and acceptance within groups can motivate how we define and express our identity. Our sense of well-being and security can stimulate our mental-health.”
“Sounds complicated to me,” Hannah said. “Why don’t you say that when we don’t see ourselves the way others see us that we’ll end up fighting?”
Sam laid the paper down on his lap. “It could also be that we end up being pressured into being who we’re not because we give in to what others expect us to be. I can see that my identity as a leader at church can’t stay the same when I come home. I need to be a husband in my home, rather than a prof, or a pastor.”
Hannah sat up and turned toward him for the first time. “Wow! It took a special session to figure that out?” She folded up her paper. “And you need to realize that I am your wife, and not one of your ministry leaders. I am not your slave, your volunteer, or your staff.”
I held up my hand again like a referee. “Internal conflicts around identity can arise when we try to reconcile who we believe we are with what society expects or urges us to be. Or who our partner expects, or urges, us to be. Stress and external messaging can cause us to repress aspects of who we think we are. Sometimes, ministry communities set up a triangle of leadership where the leader can be fast, cheap, or good, but can only be two of the three.”
“What do you mean by that?” Sam asked.
I drew out a triangle with the three words at the points. “If you’re good and fast you’re likely not cheap. If you’re fast and cheap you’re likely not all that good. If you’re cheap and good you’re likely not all that fast. Of course, your leadership team or board still wants all three and that can put pressure on you at work and at home.”
Hannah nodded vigorously. “It’s like when Sam tells me that suffering financially, or staying overscheduled, will be only for a season. They’re sucking him dry and I’m feeling it.”
I tucked my handout back into the folder. “The respect and validation of others tends to draw out aspects of identity which promote understanding and acceptance by others. If we have learned to be people pleasers, we may feel there is a whole layer of identity under the surface which we have never been free to explore or express.”
“What about the traumas we have survived?” Hannah interrupted.
“Are you asking whether we label ourselves as a victim, or an overcomer? As privileged or needy? As oppressed or oppressor?”
“Something like that,” she said. “I’ve been through a lot even before meeting this guy. I have trouble with trust, and I’m in that space again.”
“Maybe we should take a few minutes to look at rebuilding trust.” I took out a handout and slid it across the desk. Here are a few things for us to think through. You can keep the paper as a reminder.”
Rebuilding Trust Ever had your trust violated? If you imagine trust as a tree, sometimes it may feel like you’ve had some significant branches hacked off and sometimes it feels like the whole tree is chopped down to a stump. It takes time to rebuild trust, especially if there’s been a radical violation of it. It can be done, however. Even a tree chopped down eventually puts out the smallest of shoots that arise from what was. Rebuilding trust can be a challenging process, but it is possible with time, effort, and commitment. Here are ten ways to rebuild trust in a relationship, whether it's a personal or professional one:
1. Apologize Sincerely: Acknowledging mistakes, or the breach of trust, followed by a genuine and heartfelt apology for the specific action or behavior, is a good place to start.
2. Take Responsibility: Accept complete responsibility for your actions, and avoid making excuses, or blaming others.
3. Be Transparent: Practice honest communication by sharing your thoughts, feelings, and intentions with the other person in a transparent way.
4. Listen Actively: Care about the other person’s perspective, and feelings, by listening attentively without judgment.
5. Make Amends: Take specific actions, compromises, or restitution that will rectify the situation.
6. Set Boundaries: Clarify commitments and boundaries consistently to prevent future trust issues.
7. Show Consistency: Demonstrate consistency in words and actions to show you can be relied on over time.
8. Patience and Understanding: Recognize, and understand, the other person’s doubts and fears as you show patience and understanding.
9. Seek Professional Help: Access the guidance of a therapist, counselor, or coach to help rebuilt trust.
10. Keep Promises: Dedicate yourself to keeping commitments and promises as you embrace respect for the other person’s feelings. Remember that trust can be fragile, and it may take time to fully restore it. The process of rebuilding trust requires sincerity, effort, and a genuine desire to mend the relationship.
“You realize how hard this is for me, do you?” Hannah said. “I may need a special session before we get too far.”
“We’ll definitely take time to process some of that,” I said. “In the meantime, I want you to think back on your love story, on what brought you two together. What filled you with delight at that time, and what happened to the delight? When did things change? What stands in the way of that delight surfacing again?”
I waited a moment as Hannah and Sam thought. “Lastly, I want you to focus on this from your side of things. Don’t think what has changed in your partner to steal your delight. Focus on yourself. What has changed in me that has robbed my delight, and what can I do to try and restore that again?”
“I thought we were looking forward,” Hannah said.
“We are,” I said. “Sometimes, there are things from the past anchoring us in place, and it is good to acknowledge those realities so we can let go of them and advance in our relationships. Sometimes it is also good practice to see what allowed us to move forward before this.”
“But how do we manage our conflicts?” Hannah asked.
“There are a few keys to keep in mind,” I said. “First. Allow for negative emotions[i]. If your partner is angry, sad, disappointed, or afraid, that means it’s time to stop and listen. You can understand a lot if you’ll stop and listen to your partner. Second. This isn’t about right and wrong. This is about relationship. Two people with their own thoughts, feelings, opinions, dreams, and desires, are trying to forge a union of love. Third. Accept your partner as someone on your team. You can’t move forward unless you get to the point where your partner believes that you understand, accept, and maybe even respect them. Fourth. Work for admiration. You may not be able to appreciate everything about your partner, but focus on something you can admire them for, and communicate that.”
“Okay. Hopefully having this checklist will simplify a few things,” Sam said. [i] Gottman, ibid. p. 157.
