Boundaries in Marriage
Saying Yes and No in a marital relationship is an important skill in boundary management. Back in the 1990’s Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend popularized the importance of boundaries in our relationships. They saw these as “essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. Boundaries are of course the markers we set down to establish those things that we are responsible for.
Physical boundaries determine who may touch us, when they can touch us, and how they can touch us. Mental boundaries establish our freedom to embrace our own thoughts, opinions, and desires. Emotional boundaries focus us on dealing with our own inner feelings and the harmful, manipulative emotions of others outside ourselves. Spiritual boundaries distinguish between God’s will, our will, and the will of others in our vertical and horizontal relationships.
Cloud and Trent lay down ten rules for boundaries.
1. The law of Sowing and Reaping: this is about cause and effect. They note that this law can be interrupted. “Rescuing a person from the natural consequences of his behavior enables him to continue in irresponsible behavior.” (p. 85) Taking the consequence to protect our spouse from their behavior patterns is not a recipe for long term well-being in the relationship.
2. The law of responsibility: this is about being me and not you. Owning my feelings, actions, and choices. We aren’t meant to think, feel, or choose for another. We are “to give to needs and put limits on sin.” (p. 87)
3. The law of power: while there are limits on the power within ourselves we do have some clear power. Ie To agree with the truth about our problems; to admit our inability to God and to ask for help; to search and ask God to reveal more about what is within our boundaries; to turn from evil and change; to humble ourself and ask for help with developmental injuries and childhood needs; to make amends with those we have hurt. We can only change ourselves, not others. (p.88)
4. The law of respect: we may focus on others and lose clarity about ourselves. Respecting the boundaries others have established is essential. “Freedom begets freedom.” (p. 90)
5. The law of motivation: acting out of fear to please others will undermine any efforts to love them because of who they are. Fear of their anger or displeasure will drain us rather than energize us. Fear of abandonment or loss of love, fear of being left alone and fear of others thinking you’re not so good are deadly motivations. Giving of yourself because of guilt, wanting to pay back, seeking approval, or overidentifying with another’s loss, will also undermine the purity of relationship (p. 92)
6. The law of evaluation: if we assume the impact of our choices on another and limit what we do because of that we undermine the relationship. “Things can hurt and not harm us.” Confrontation and decision making are crucial for health, despite the feelings that may arise. “We need to be honest with one another about how we are hurt.” (p. 95)
7. The law of proactivity: “You must react to find your own boundaries, but having found them, you must “not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature… Proactive people show you what they love, what they want, what they purpose, and what they stand for.” It is important to move past the stage of reactivity if the relationship is to flourish. (p. 96)
8. The law of envy: “Envy defines ‘good’ as what I do not possess, and hates the good that it has.” We end up “perpetually insatiable and dissatisfied.” “If we are focusing on what others have or have accomplished, we are neglecting our responsibilities and will ultimately have an empty heart.” “Envy is a self-perpetuating cycle” leaving us empty and unfulfilled. Envy is a sign that you lack something. (p. 97)
9. The law of activity: we are responders and initiators. Evil is an active force and “passivity can become an ally of evil by not pushing against it.” “Failing to try will have no good result.” (p. 99)
10. The law of exposure: we do not exist in a vacuum. Our boundaries need to be visible to others and communicated to them through relationship. “Often, we will privately endure the pain of someone’s irresponsibility instead of telling them how their behavior affects us and other loved ones, information that would be helpful to their soul.” (p. 101)
This section concludes with this thought. “An important thing to remember about boundaries is that they exist, and they will affect us, whether or not we communicate them.” (p.101) “When our boundaries are in the light, that is, are communicated openly, our personalities begin to integrate for the first time.” (p.102)
If you need support in understanding or establishing boundaries in your relationship, perhaps a good relationship coach can help. Give us a free consultation call.
