Before we look at specific quagmires, it is important to realize the stages that thriving relationships grow through. As you read through these stages see if you can identify which stage you and your partner might be in.
The 5 Stages of Thriving Relationships[i]
Romance: Most relationships that aren’t arranged in advance by family or outsiders start with some form of attraction, bonding, hopefulness, perhaps ecstasy, and bliss. You may have acted out your best behavior, focused on the best of your partner, given freely without scorekeeping and felt that surge of passion and vitality.
Power Struggle: Inevitably, once the newness and vitality of the relationship starts to grow into a rhythm, then other realities arise. For some reason, you may react negatively and habitually with your partner. You may feel disillusioned, angry, annoyed, disappointed, confused, or frustrated. You might notice conflict, secrets that surface, disconnection, settling, lack of desire, even blame and criticism. When you examine your partnership, it may now feel uninspiring, stuck in repetitive cycles, with less intimacy and emotional attachment. This is normal to experience, but not to stay in.
Commitment: Eventually, perhaps with outside assistance, there needs to be movement toward another stage after the power struggle. Both partners need to powerfully commit to do whatever is necessary to bring the relationship toward thriving and the best version of yourselves. Two questions need to be explored at this stage: “What does this relationship need from me to thrive?” and “How have I been contributing to what hasn’t been working – and how do I need to change and grow?” This stage is not the end, however.
Growth: If the relationship is to thrive, than there needs to be a threefold understanding. Partner one must be committed to external and internal growth; Partner two must be committed to external and internal growth; Both partners together must be committed to their relationship growth together. This involves an increasing awareness of what’s been going on underneath the challenges you’ve been facing. It means learning to break through issues which have gridlocked the relationship. It means applying new tools regularly, becoming more intentional, experiencing greater ease with each other, gaining more understanding, deeper connection, renewed hope, and finding joy in the journey.
Thriving: This is where we want all our marriages to be. Here’s where we are sharing an inspiring vision together that draws us forward into our future. We experience full safety and trust with each other in all areas of life. We develop a spirit of teamwork, togetherness, aliveness, and the making of our dreams come true. Our communication is healthy, positive, open, and we feel seen, heard, and valued. We experience and express daily appreciation, respond to challenges with shared wisdom, and sense fulfillment. Passion and romance are strong, and connection, secure attachment, and true love are firmly in place.
Alert - No relationship flows smoothly through these five stages. Collapsing back into the power struggle will happen over and over. It is recognizing this reality and embracing the resiliency and strengths of your relationships which will make your stays there shorter and your re-commitments sweeter. Many of the quagmires I am presenting show up in the second stage during power struggles. [i] With acknowledgements to Bret and Christine Eartheart. Center for Thriving Relationships.
