Bringing Servant Leadership Behind Closed Doors
My pastoral mentor, Doug Harris, was well known for greeting people with the phrase, “how may I serve you?” My wife’s love language is ‘acts of service’ and she is a natural in practical works that help others, especially me.
Servant leadership has been a fading concept in ministry leadership and marriage even though Jesus said “for even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”[i] Jesus focused his followers away from positions of power where they could promote themselves over others. One of his final acts for them included washing their feet (the job of the lowest slave). In laying down his life, he showed that serving has no limits; that serving is based on our relationship with God; that serving arises from compassion and care; that serving is about meeting the needs of others; that serving is without discrimination; that serving can be done without losing position or title.[ii]
Fifty years ago, Robert Greenleaf, used his Quaker faith, and his former position as a senior executive in American Telephone & Telegraph Corporation, to reshape thinking around power and how to work differently in a corporate environment. Corporate change is slow.
The apostle Paul tried to merge this concept of servanthood through love, respect, and mutual submission, into the marriage relationship[iii]. Cultural and social change is slow.
Greenleaf wrote, “The best test of serving leadership, is, do those served grow as persons? Do they, while being served, become healthier, wiser, freer, more autonomous, more likely themselves to become servants?... The natural servant, the person who is servant first, is more likely to persevere and refine a particular hypothesis on what serves another’s highest priority needs than is the person who is leader first and who later serves out of promptings of conscience or in conformity with normative expectations” (Greenleaf, 1977, pp.13-14).[iv] All this seems relatively vague in a marriage partnership. Of course, we want growing, healthier, wiser, freer, more autonomous, serving partners, but so often we expect that to happen on its own. Committing ourselves to help that growth happen is part of how servant leadership in the home works out.
Larry Spears, Executive Director of the Greenleaf Center, writes extensively on the concept and proposes ten traits that mark a servant leader. Perhaps these will provide some markers for the spouse wishing to imbibe.
- Awareness – Be aware of the views and positions of yourself and others.
- Foresight – see the likely outcome or consequences of a situation or decision.
- Conceptualization – think beyond the immediate realities of the situation
- Stewardship – hold things in trust for others
- Persuasion – convince by not forcing compliance
- Listening – listen intently to others before you respond
- Empathizing – even when you cannot accept their behavior or level of performance
- Healing – bring healing so that others can be made whole
- Growth – commit yourself to the personal, professional, and spiritual growth of others
- Community – build community among those being served So, what would happen if both partners brought this sense of servanthood into their marriage relationship without reservation? What changes could you see happening? Perhaps we would see an increase in our romantic competence. Joanne Davila gave a Ted Talk, back in 2016, on romantic competence. She suggested that it was never too early for healthy relationship. She noted that all of us want intimacy, security, good communication and a sense of being valued. None of us want to be in a relationship where there is contempt, criticism, hostility, violence, unresolved perpetual conflict, and a lack of support. To achieve romantic competence, Davila proposed three skills she had discovered from her scientific research as a relationship coach. The three skills are insight, mutuality and emotional regulation. These flow naturally out of servant leadership. Insight has to do with being aware, understanding, and learning about who you are, what you want in a relationship, and why you do what you do. Insight helps you with awareness not only about who you are but who your partner, friend, or romantic interest might be. It helps you learn from mistakes. Mutuality is the second skill and it means that both people have needs and both sets of needs matter. It involves a willingness to meet each other’s needs and to factor in both sets of needs into decisions that affect the relationship. Emotional regulation is the third skill and it is about keeping emotions calm and keeping things in perspective. It allows one to tolerate discomfort, think through decisions clearly, and allows you to tell yourself that all is okay. It keeps you focused on the task at hand while maintaining self-respect. Romantic competence leads to better relationship choices, better mental health, better communication, security, support and satisfaction. So, let’s try combining these two ideas. Servant leadership and romantic competency. Both partners can only be better in their relationship because of this.
[i] Mark 10:45 NIV 2011 [ii] Kurumbuka facilitator’s manual, pp. 47-49. [iii] Ephesians 5:21-33. [iv] Cited, Kurumbuka facilitator’s manual, p. 43.
