Calming the Fire
Fire is a good symbol when you’re applying it to your intimacy. It isn’t such a hot comparison when you are measuring the level of your conflict. When Dr. John Gottman says that 69% of relationship issues are unsolvable this can create a temptation to give up. There are things you’re not going to change quickly if at all.
Personality traits of a partner or yourself is one example. Financial habits, values, or beliefs might be another. Intimacy blockers because of past abuse, family of origin challenges, or health limitations may all be hard to deal with. Managing conflict rather than solving it could be the mindshift that saves things for a couple.
When you can’t solve the unsolvable it is wise to look for positive alternatives. Learning communication skills is one helpful ability to grow in. Working to understand your mate is essential. Doing this takes patience and curiosity. Instead of trying to persuade your partner of how right, wise, or informed you are, the first step is to attempt an understanding of the heart behind your partner’s dreams and desires. This isn’t possible unless both of you are calm enough to listen and share in turn.
You will have to know what it might take to create this culture of calm. Maybe using a talking stick, taking notes, going for a walk, sitting and facing each other, using “I” statements, and focusing on the needs you feel need to be met.
Relationship coaches might tell you to take short breaks if things get tense. They might tell you to do something soothing or distracting so that when you return to engaging with each other you can listen without interruption. Beginning with a soft tone, open body language, genuine curiosity, gentle questioning, may provide possibilities for healthy dialogue.
Deescalation can be started with a simple apology, easy humor, or clear statements of invitation toward connection. Open body language will support a quiet tone with appropriate head gestures, eye contact, and even touches where appropriate. Sometimes, due to past issues, our partner doesn’t feel safe or secure when things get heated. Emotional triggers, wounds, or unresolved injuries, may betray a relationship attachment in need of healing.
Gaining perspective is a fundamental part of understanding and opening yourself up for intimate connection. A good relationship coach can help you discover the path toward wholeness in your relationship. There is no question you could have what it takes to resolve your conflicts but it may be that an outside presence is that little extra you need to create the culture where healing communication can occur.
