Closer Through Conflict
I was amazed at how much closer I felt to my wife, Gayle, when, instead of blasting me, she took my hand and gently led me to the couch. She sat me down and explained how she was feeling about our recent interaction. Wow! I’ve known all along that our marriage wasn’t free of disagreements but I knew we were still happy.
I learned what many first-year married couples haven’t realized. It isn’t the fact you don’t argue that keeps you happy. It’s the making up. And I do like making up. Dr. John Gottman’s research on marriage shows that it’s what you do and don’t do in an argument that makes the difference. If either partner sinks into criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling as a pattern of interaction then deterioration of the relationship is guaranteed.
It’s the cultivation of the friendship outside the times where differences of opinion divide emotional well-being that helps the marriage flourish. Cultivating those daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly rituals or relationship form a core of strength that keeps you going. Taking the time to express appreciation about what you notice your partner doing, saying, or initiating, can go a long way in helping them feel like they are on the same team with you.
I just got called to deal with a couple struggling over finances. Both husband and wife are in mid-life. He’s been working steadily bringing in the resources and she’s been at home raising children to be world-changers. Now, that they’re all in high school and independent, she’s taken up a job in her career choice. The dynamics of budgeting and allocating resources is impacting the smooth rhythm he once thought was established. Their recent spat of disagreements has them wary of how strong their relationship really is. It shows up like this. Who is now responsible for dinners, laundry, house cleaning, running the kids to lessons, planning date nights, doctor and dental appointments, prescription pick up, and holidays? What happens if one of them is needed for overtime?
When you’re tired, hungry, angry, sick, stressed, pressured, and unsure if the person beside you is really for you, it can seem like you never have space to rebuild the friendship. You may have to arrange childcare and take time to intentionally make it happen. Appreciation. Gratitude. Love Languages. Time. Gifts. Touch. Acts of Service. Someone has to break the cycle and take the first step.
I realize the more mature person will take the first step and after our last argument I sat at my computer mulling things over on how I would do it. As I rose to get up my wife was walking through the door to ask for forgiveness. She proved herself more mature that time. Next time, I intend to take the first step.
It’s amazing how things revert to a sense of partnership and genuine love when you’ve asked for forgiveness. Repeat after me. My partner is for me. We’re on the same team.
By looking for the good, asking open-ended questions, and physically turning toward each other, looking into each other’s eyes, holding hands, whatever you can do… you can turn the tide of emotion, hurt, and pain. Change the momentum and the direction of the relationship. You’re in this for the long haul. You are two independent human beings with your own minds, feelings, desires, hopes, and dreams. When you start expressing some of those, of course, there will be conflict. Now, all you have to do is to talk it through.
