Finding Your Balance
Balance hasn’t been an easy thing for me. After eighteen years as a missionary in Kenya I was called to pastor a church in need of a turn around. George Barna, in his book, Turn Around Churches says that pastors who successfully turn dying churches around are younger than 45 and are willing to put in significant hours. I was 44 and 6 months of age and I swallowed the kool-aid. That was almost 25 years ago. I’d already swallowed the potion from a professor in seminary that if I slept more than four hours a night, I was wasting my life. This all played into my strengths as an Achiever.
I never became a whirling dervish but I fine-tuned my daily tasks list, cranked out my books, and managed my counseling load while pastoring a high-needs congregation. I also started several other ministries and non-profits off the side of my desk. Now, after 40 years in leadership roles, I’m a relationship coach for seasoned leaders facing the challenge of ministry and marriage.
By God’s grace, my wife persevered through a lot of unbalanced seasons. Not all partners do. Emotional, sexual or technology affairs can break down the best of marriages but the most common seems to be the affair with work. Carey Nieuwhof spoke of this “spin of constant busyness” recently in an article when he shared five reasons why Christian leaders put work first. His own burnout woke him up to his reality.
A lot of it is a mindset. First, with time management. We work more hours because it makes us feel more faithful. One of the early bits of wisdom that saved my ministry was to realize that ‘there is only one saviour and it isn’t me.’ The other bit of the gospel that saved me was to realize that nothing I do will make God love me more and nothing I do will make God love me less.
Ministry leaders and volunteers who have their faith, family, work and community all focused on the same group of relationships can get blurred quickly with what commitment looks like. It’s much like stepping into quicksand. As Nieuwhof notes, it’s the struggle inside that impacts the patterns we develop. It’s also our theology of works on what we believe about how much God loves us because of the way we use our gifts, invest our energy, worry about what others might think of us, or engage in the faith community calendar to show our support for what is happening.
My top love language is words of affirmation so it wasn’t hard to see why I was pulled into circles where need was high. I worked with refugees and those on the fringes in our neighbourhood. When your input is expected at home as part of the everyday it is easy to focus on the special outputs which garner easy wins through ministry. Nieuwhoof says that "If things are going well at work and there are a few issues at home, staying at work even feels more attractive.”
In some ways, I had it good. All but one daughter graduated early in my ministry and weddings were done within a few years. All I had at home was my wife, my partner in ministry. Yes, she worked in her outside job to help us pay the bills in the big city, but she was a gifted and willing volunteer when free.
Leaders and volunteers with young families may be more restricted in what they can say yes to. It's thinking like this which makes a marriage vulnerable. Fortunately, my years in missions had made me used to missing out. I didn’t get a cell phone because I had a secretary and an answering machine. I also had associates who were consistently on their phones. A few years ago, my wife invested in a plan for me and I realize how addictive this technology is. It feeds my adrenaline for work at all times and plays havoc with my carefully laid out to-do lists.
Churches and non-profits now have access to members at all times through technology to feed this fear of missing out. After all, we were put here to make disciples of all nations and there is always one more opportunity where you can help make this happen. Right? Where are our priorities? Our organizations and faith communities have banquets, outreach events, services, meetings, small groups, fellowship and prayer times… What are we going to say on that final day of accountability if we stayed home?
The poison in the kool-aid is disguised so well. Nieuwhof says “The irony, of course, is that healthy, sustainable patterns don’t make you miss out on anything. In fact, you realize far more opportunities than you ever miss.” He also says, “Healthy people realize far more opportunities than they miss. Unhealthy people miss far more opportunities than they seize.”
Affirmation is like anything else. We can always use a little bit more. During seminary days I wrote a paper declaring that the church could be the cause of family breakdown because of its intense scheduling. In those days, to protect the family against the outside worldly pressures, we met five days a week for clubs, prayer, youth, choir and also Sundays for Sunday School, morning and evening services. We also had special events on Saturdays in need of volunteers. The paper wasn’t received well but I could see that those of us who always showed up were quickly moved into positions of leadership and influence. Workaholism gets rewarded. What doesn’t get rewarded with acknowledgment and certificates down here will get rewarded later, right?
Who really tracks the hours of thought, planning, effort and unseen little extras that go into making something happen? The committed do what they have to do because so many others are depending on them. As the leader, my board often cautioned me on overextending myself, but my own health rested solely on my own compliance to my capacity and management of expectations. As Isaiah 5:21 says, “Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes and clever in their own sight.” (NIV) Did I really need to wait until retirement in order to figure all this out?
Nieuwhof has one final cause as to why work and ministry end up like having an affair. He says that “we never think it will implode…until it does.” He adds, “and even if you never burn out, living today in a way that compromises tomorrow is a mistake. Why would you want to keep hurting your family, your leadership, and your life?” It wasn’t that I didn’t have advisors to guide me. I had the board, a pastoral advisory team and weekly accountability partners. I just didn’t take their concerns seriously enough.
By prioritizing the most important tasks and focusing on things and people that energize, Nieuwhof believes that a balance is achievable. Perhaps your marriage, family or close relationships depend on this. If you’re a seasoned leader still struggling in your most important relationship, please consider coaching with 1heartcoaching.
