Friendship: The determining factor.
In John Gottman’s, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he cites several myths about marriage. One of the fundamental ones is that all you have to do is to communicate better and you can save your relationship. Other myths include the teaching that if one of you has a personality problem then the marriage is doomed.
We all have enduring vulnerabilities that can be worked around with clear understanding and commitment. There’s no question that forms of addiction, depression, phobias, post-traumatic stress, and significant personality disorders, can stretch our limits. But there is more to a relationship than having things in common, or in reciprocating good deeds to pay each other back for love and loyalty.
Some coaches and counselors promote the idea that the key to a lasting relationship is to avoid conflict. Some couples have developed their own ways of coping or avoiding lasting harm in their clashes but that isn’t the key to what keeps them together. Even moral failures can be repaired. Lasting love can be resilient.
Research shows something we might not expect.
‘The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple’s friendship. For men, the determining factor, is by 70 percent, the quality of the couple’s friendship. So, men and women come from the same planet after all.’” (p. 19)
Gottman defines deep friendship as the mutual respect and enjoyment of each other’s company. The partners know each other deeply and are familiar with likes, dislikes, quirks, hopes, and dreams. Perhaps, as Andy Stanley shares, in his video series on What Happy Couples Know, the partners have learned how to handle the hopes, dreams, and desires, that have become expectations.
It’s not about expensive gifts and getaways. It’s not all about chasing dreams and fulfilling deep desires. There’s a steady flow of heart-connecting activities that happen throughout the day and the week. By continuing to build a ratio of more positive thoughts toward each other, over negative thoughts, a couple builds up a strong connection that lasts through the rough patches.
Becoming attuned to each other’s emotional balance helps maintain the momentum of the relationship. Trust and Commitment work together to steady the durability and soundness of the marriage. If you find yourself assuming the worst about your partner it is a good time to look for some change in yourself. A good relationship coach can help.
Subtle betrayals to the relationship can do as much damage to the relationship as outright moral failures. Anytime we make a life choice that shows we aren’t prioritizing our spouse; it can undermine the good we’ve built up. Things as simple as staying emotionally distant, siding with our parent over our partner, and breaking promises, can lead to a breakdown and strain on lasting love.
We’re all striving for lasting love. Sometimes, it’s endurance is seen more in the faithful adherence to the small rituals in life.
