Guard Your Heart
There are so many great proverbs to build our life and relationships around. One of them is Proverbs 4:23; “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (NIV)
In building resilient and thriving relationships we have to realize the power and impact of the heart. Heart Listening is one way we communicate our connection with our partner. The acronym HEART helps us focus. (Thanks to the Thriving Relationship Center).
H – Hear your beloved by reflecting the essence of what they said.
E – Offer Empathy. Imagine what it is like to really feel what they are feeling.
A – Find things to Appreciate about them regarding what they shared.
R – Relax into your heart. Take some deep breaths.
T – Come from a spirit of Togetherness and Teamwork.
We want dialogue that dials down our volume, intensity, verbosity, harshness, and withdrawal. This is about getting out of our heads and into our hearts. We will limit interruptions and keep ourselves open and curious.
This is a good start but often it is important to listen at a deeper level. Imagine a triangle with three words on the outside edges: Hurtful; Critical; Deceitful. Understand that these three common expressions of inner pain indicate something deeper at work.
If your partner expresses themselves through hurtful words or actions then realize that there is a channel of anger and sadness founded on a core loss. Take the time to explore the losses they have experienced before taking this too personally.
If you sense that there is a critical spirit expressed through words or actions then consider that there may be a channel of envy or jealousy at work founded on a core of discontent. Take the time to explore the areas of dissatisfaction and discontent your partner has experienced before you take things too personally.
If you sense that there is a deceitful pattern in words or actions then consider that there may be a channel of guilt or shame founded on fear. Take the time to explore what fears might be at the core for your partner. Fear of abandonment or rejection are two common ones. Fear of not being enough or even of being too much can also be doors toward the fear of abandonment or rejection. Explore this with your coach before taking things too personally.
Transforming your heart is possible with time and attention. Managing your network of defenses and hushing the internal noises that block your hearing and alert your reactions will help prevent misunderstanding, conflict, and power struggles. We are all looking for greater insight, connection, and stronger love ties. Hearing from the heart will keep you present in the moment and open to providing a sense of safety and security for each other.
What you are looking for is a dialogue instead of two monologues. Taking time to reflect what your partner is saying is crucial to keeping the doors open. Relax and listen. Stay curious. Look deeper. Be patient. Validating your partner’s experience isn’t primarily about establishing right and wrong.
Feelings are feelings. They need consideration and understanding. Being connected is more important than being right. Release the sense of control, blaming, and vindication you might be tempted to work for.
Say things like “What I heard you say is….” “Did I get that correctly?” “Did I miss anything?” Add something like “I can see how you would feel… given…” Finish with “I appreciate that you….”
