It’s All About The Change
A community leader sat across the table from me at a local coffee shop and fidgeted with his cup. “My daughter and her husband are struggling over finances and their marriage may be near the end.” He glanced out the window and swallowed. “I’ve tried everything I know how to help them but nothing seems to work. They both have good paycheques, a lot more than I make, but they can’t seem to find peace around how to spend or save it.”
Finances are one of the common perpetual problems many couples face. The fact that nothing seems to change on either side is what adds strain to the relationship. We might explain over and over and feel like our partner isn’t listening. We expect that if we get the words out of our mouth than of course our situation will be resolved. All that needs to happen is for our partner to do things our way. If we’re a saver, than a clear budget should be embraced. If we’re generous, than a sense of trust that there will be enough to enjoy life, should be accepted.
Sometimes, the bigger the dollars coming in the greater the discussions driving us apart. So many of our major life decisions revolve around money and navigating the realities should be easier. So many of our values are tied to the resources we manage. For my friend's daughter and her husband, their discomfort around money led them to spend significant amounts in courts without a thought, but to question over and over why they should pay a coach for help.
The home we grow up in may have something to do with our approach to money – if there was little and everyone scrimped and saved – or if there was a lot and everyone invested and spent. Our values rooted in the soil of relationship. Perhaps we grew up future focused with how our money would make a difference in time to come or perhaps we focused on the present and used our income to enjoy what was around us as we made memories to embrace with relationships we cherished.
Money can be a shelter to guard us against the fears that threaten to choke us. We may fear that there will never be enough for retirement or we may fear that we won’t have the health we need in the future and therefore need to enjoy life now through significant vacations and experiences. We may fear that an uncertain economy or job situation may leave us without in case of emergency.
My grandchildren are growing up in very different homes. None of their parents are well off but they all have homes and few of them seem to act like there isn’t enough to enjoy the sports, trips, adventures, or expenses that come with school, church, or community life. They understand that parents work and the money comes. As they mature, they realize through having to make choices that there isn’t always enough for everything.
Part of building a solid relationship together is understanding the story behind what shaped us. As we share our stories it is good to consider how these stories can blend to form the stewardship culture of our own partnership. What worked in the past may not always be what is necessary to work in the present. The key always seems to involve an open curiosity. What makes you who you are? Why do you think that way about money, resources, work, generosity, budgeting, saving, spending, shopping, investments, debt?
By suspending judgment, setting aside criticism, presuppositions, assumptions, entitlement, and arrogance, you can forge an open pathway through this jungle of challenges. By tracking core beliefs, values, ethics, key life moments that impacted you in your habits and practices about money, you can build understanding about what is truly important for you.
Your feelings will be a key mirror on when you are stepping into an area of importance. Open discussions can also open you up to dreams, goals, wishes, fears, hopes, and needs, that might have been misunderstood or left unnoticed. Problems and conflicts are doors for discussion and provide opportunity for deeper intimacy with the one you are building a life with.
Keep talking. It makes cents. As you do, you’ll notice the change,.
