Lighting the Flame Again
I have a senior friend now on his fifth career. As we sat over lunch he asked plainly, “How often do you make love each week?” Before I could finish my mouthful, he answered himself. He said, “I tell newlyweds and everyone I meet that if they want to have a happy life, they need to make love at least twice a week.” He’s been married almost fifty years and he sat back in his booth smiling. “I’ve never been happier,” he said.
A middle-aged couple I worked with, one from a European background and one from an African background, traveled extensively for their work and family obligations. They were apart as much as they were together. “How’s your marriage doing now?” I asked. “We miss each other,” she answered, “but we’ve figured out a way to make the most of the time we have together.”
There’s no one magic formula for happiness in marriage but I’ve seen the value of why Paul says “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband… Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (I Corinthians 7:3-5). There is a lot of tension that gets dissipated after good times of intimacy.
Passion is a skill and an art that needs to be strengthened for those who are sliding into the ‘best friends’ category. The patterns you set early in your relationship are the ones that endure. A love relationship with a common faith needs to stimulate a sense of joy, loyalty, intensity, desire, and sacrifice.
There are three parts to fanning the flame of passion for couples. They build on each other. The foundational aspect of thrill helps in the rediscovery of what attracted you to your partner in the first place. It focuses on that attraction, interest, and sense of discovery that builds excitement. Without consistent attention to this part, there is an aspect of love that begins to fade.
A further segment to the foundational aspect of passion involves a sense of intimacy where both partners intentionally work toward a deepening journey of knowing and being known. Over time, deeper vulnerabilities are exposed and deeper emotional connections are shared. There is no more powerful aphrodisiac than opening up a part of our deepest core and finding ourselves accepted and welcomed.
The third part of the passion foundation involves a sensuality that unleashes a sense of delight and discovery to dare and explore. We are all familiar with the law of diminishing returns. At the start of a romantic relationship, it is thrilling to look into each other’s eyes, to touch hands, to hold hands, to embrace, to kiss, and so on. While partners need to respect each other’s level of comfort and boundaries, there is an opportunity at this level to rediscover what brings pleasure to the one they love.
Part of nurturing these three skills is to live in anticipation. There are so many distractions that pull at our time and energy but with intentionality, there is an opportunity to create a yearning to bring joy to your partner and pleasure for yourself. Many couples settle for ordinary and whenever depriving themselves of the edge that anticipation builds into relationships.
Yes, marriage involves loving friendship and deep emotional connection. It involves a journey of becoming more and more known by another. Your secrets, your pains, your fears, your imperfections, your struggles, the parts of you that bring shame, guilt, and regret. It’s like a rose unfolding. Each small increment of openness is an adventure of trust. Will you be loved and accepted, no matter what? Intimacy allows you to see and be seen with no masks, shields, or barriers. No pretension.
Strong marriages build on shared memories and experiences. They involve forgiveness, reconciliation, rebuilding. They move beyond the fantasies and imaginations of adolescent romance. They hurdle the intoxication of desires, dreams, and mystery. Lasting love is more than a two-hour movie encounter, a slow dance, a walk along a moon-lit beach. We take responsibility for refreshing the connections and communication from our side. We nurture an attitude of curiosity about our partner’s inner self.
Perhaps you’ve deteriorated into predictability in your passionate encounters. Everything has become routine, occasional, or part of your past. Your senses have dulled to what is experienced. Awakening senses can start with simple things like backrubs, shoulder massages, and intertwining your fingers on a walk. Desire involves your mind as much as your body. Lingering in close contact and savoring the moment can make a lot of difference in the encounter. Look deeply into each other’s eyes without speaking. Guard your space so you won’t be interrupted.
Work to let yourself be known and work to explore and know your partner. For those who struggle to find the adventure of being more than best friends, it might be wise to engage with a coach who can help you communicate through some of the blocks that keep your dreams and desires hidden from the one you love.
