Questioning Your Marriage
As we met over several hours in our living room it was clear that he was desperate and she was in despair. The situation seemed to arise out of the blue. She knew instinctively something had changed in the relationship but wasn’t sure what. After exploring his cell phone one night as he slept she knew. His choices to meet with another woman and the consequent exchange of photos and texts was a game changer.
The profound sense of loss and trust; the feeling of being abandoned and unsafe; the shock and deep sadness; the confusion on whether to go or stay; the betrayal from her closest friend and even from God; it washed over her like a tsunami. Her world had been ripped apart, her anger boiled, she was hypervigilant, overthinking every word and action. The loss was massive and the counselor she went to see was telling her to walk away from it all.
Of course, he had feelings too. Guilty, remorseful, disgusted with himself, lost, embarrassed, ashamed, disoriented. He’d never had to open up before and was working hard to break the power of the secrets in his life. He was helpless in the face of the threat of his wife to leave. He was numb and anxious and desperate to find a way back. The fact that he showed up was a courageous act.
I asked her three questions? On a scale of 1-10 how safe do you feel? How much trust do you have in your partner? And how willing are you to forgive right now? The responses would not have encouraged anyone.
In times of extreme pain, we can make hasty decisions that can lead to deep regret later on. Some of that comes from the questions we tend to ask ourselves in those moments. Asking the right questions can have transformative power in our personal growth and in our relationships.
Merilee Adams, in her book, Change Your Questions, Change Your Life, postulates that our questions have far-reaching consequences in our thoughts, emotions, and actions. There are questions which limit us and questions which open us up to learning. “A question not asked is a door not opened.”
Some of the limiting questions we might ask ourselves include “why does this always happen to me? Why am I not good enough? Why doesn’t anything ever work out for me?” These questions focus on the problems and push us toward judging, blaming, criticizing and closed-mindedness. They stifle us in the possibilities.
Learning questions open us up, make us curious, and focus on solutions. These questions might include those like: “What do I want? What are my choices? What assumptions am I making? What am I responsible for? How else can I think about this? What is the other person thinking, feeling, and wanting? What am I missing or avoiding? What am I afraid of? What can I learn from this person or situation, from this mistake or failure? What action steps make the most sense? What questions should I be asking myself, or the other person, right now? How can this turn into a win-win? What is possible?”
Honest conversation is crucial for couples who are growing or wresting with life realities. Keeping this important skill sharp on a daily basis might avoid a situation like the one above. Regardless, if trust has been broken, manage the questions that threaten to derail any future hope, trust, or sense of safety. And when you can, walk through the door of a marriage coach and get the support to take you through the next steps.
