Time to Laugh Again
After 47 years of marriage, I’ve learned something important. My wife has a different sense of humor than I do. I love to hear her laugh but I’m not always good at finding ways to make that happen. I actually envy the commercial creators who pull that eruption of happiness out of her. The laughter I shared with my brothers bubbled up from listening to Bill Cosby and comedians like him. That kind of humor isn’t always acceptable anymore. These days, I laugh at puns while my wife screws up her face and frowns at wordplay.
Some comedians gain a following by mocking those who are different than them, pointing out racial, habitual, gender, cultural, family, or character issues that stop us in our tracks. They voice things we wouldn’t dare. Mocking a spouse’s tendencies is familiar fare on public platforms.
Of course, we have a common humanity with similar quirks and idiosyncrasies and having these exaggerated on a stage can be funny. Not so much, when it’s in the privacy of relationship or before friends. Humor is about perspective in our viewpoints, our values, and our beliefs. We often grow up in families where we absorb patterns of thinking or behavior which we never question. When someone dares to challenge these fundamentals of life, we don’t always react so well. Context and style of confrontation makes a big difference.
Sometimes humor in a relationship is similar to the flexibility in our bodies. When we stretch out day after day it’s amazing how flexible we are. If you spend a few weeks, months, or years without stretching out, it is amazing how rigid and inflexible you can be. Without a generous dose of humor and laughter in a relationship on a regular basis, it can become easy to take offense or to misunderstand the intent of your partner.
Humor can ease tension in a relationship like intimacy does. Laughter is good like a medicine and works wonders for healing and bonding. Used in the wrong way, it can be destructive on our partner’s psyche and sense of well-being. Laughing together bonds us together if the focus of the humor is our common human experience. It diffuses tension.
Causing others to laugh at someone else to elevate our own reputation or social position feels a lot more like contempt. We are complicated beings and understanding our humor is evidence of that. Culture, family, personality, values, and relationship all play into what we think is okay.
One of the important communication tasks of couples is to discover their pattern for humor and then try to deliberately develop that in a way that frees yourself and honors your partner. If the humor you use is glue, keep using it. If it is a hammer, set it aside. Expose yourselves to different venues for humor. Movies, joke books, comedy shows… they all have flavors for you to explore.
Good, common humor, can stop conflict cold. Some time ago, a commercial featured a husband named Steve and his wife as the man bumbled his way through some form of excuse. The more he tried, the worse the expression on his wife’s face grew. Finally, the husband said, “Shut up Steve!” She smiled, and all was well. Now, when I find myself stretching for words to explain my actions, sometimes it is far more productive to say, “Shut up Steve!” and we both smile, hug, and move on.
In ancient times, Aristotle postulated that it was humor that set us apart from animals. It can take down the barriers which divide us as people. It can repair broken emotional bridges with those we love. A sincere inside joke can deescalate tension, pressure, and division while poorly communicated criticism, contempt, or sarcasm can blow up relationships in a hurry.
If you're out of date night ideas, make it your mission to explore humor. Each of you can research and bring to the table some of the things that make you laugh. It's vulnerable enough to loosen you up and when that happens - who knows what else can happen.
