Ten Tips for Communication
We don’t live long in close relationships before we realize the power of words for harm or help, for hurt or happiness. Proverbs 15:4 tells us, “The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.” Colossians 4:6 says, “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” Proverbs 18:21 says “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”
Someone has said that kids hear 18 negative messages toward them compared to every one positive message of affirmation. The ratio for our partners is sometimes not much better. In Luke 6:45, Jesus says “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”
The Center for Thriving Relationship postulates ten top pillars to help us function in the area of communication. Mastering these skills will eliminate many of the conflicts that trouble marriages in the area of communication.
1. Position yourselves as allies and teammates. Face in the same direction, shoulder to shoulder – together.
2. See the need and longing underneath your partner’s words or actions. Wonder and look under. Look for connection, affection, See painful emotions as an indication of unmet needs.
3. Address the underlying fears (see them in interactions). Comfort whatever feels threatened. If fight, flight, freeze, or fawning is exhibited then respond appropriately. Be vulnerable. Say, “I’m scared.”
4. Offer validation and empathy before feedback. Be fully present and hear their heart. Help the other to feel like they’re not alone.
5. Get curious rather than getting defensive, making assumptions, or always talking. Ask open ended questions to open the other person up.
6. Appreciate and scan for what is going well. Acknowledge strengths and best intentions. Let someone know you see them for who they are. Look for what the other person is doing well. Reinforce the things we want to see continuing.
7. Be forward-facing and point to the inspiring picture of what you do want. Say, “what I dream of is…” We tend to focus on the painful things. Cultivate a positive vision into life. Create a solid base. B best intentions A appreciation S strengths E empathy
8. Be more committed to being close and happy than in being right. Make the commitment over and over. Protect the connection in your interactions. Think long-term about what will serve us.
9. Be aware of your listening filters and choose them wisely. Be careful defending yourself, analyzing what is being said for accuracy, what is wrong or right, what you’ll say next, how this is personal. Be fully present. Listen to appreciate, empathize, and understand.
10. Find a time and place where you can relax and be in your heart. Set dates. Avoid times when you’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.
If you are struggling with any of these areas of communication, 1heartcoaching.com has tools to help get your heart reoriented again. Don’t wait too long.
