Attachment theory has become all the rave in recent evaluations of relationships. What is it all about?
The idea is that the quality of our connections to those we loved growing up, and the consequent emotional fulfillment or deprivation that came from those relationships, form a key to the development of our personality and to the habits we live out in connecting with a romantic partner now.
For example, if you were raised by parents who believed that coddling to your emotional whims created clingy and over-dependent children, as well as incompetent and overly dependent adults, then you may feel that they were cold, dismissive and not emotionally available. If they were uninvolved or punitive, you might find it easier to feel detached from the one you claim to love.
If you had warm, affectionate and responsive parents you may feel secure and be able to calm yourself and form trusting bonds without much effort. If you had parents who were unpredictable and inconsistent in their behavior you might find it easy to be prone to anger in response to things not working as you wish.
The Center for Thriving Relationships has postulated a few questions to help guide in the identification of attachment styles. Answer each with Never, Sometimes, Usually, Always. Answer individually about yourself and then share if you feel comfortable to do so.
1. Do you sense your partner is there for you? N S U A
2. Do you feel like you matter to your partner? N S U A
3. Do you trust your partner will come when you need them, when you call? N S U A
4. Can you get your partner’s attention easily? N S U A
5. Does your partner respond to signals that you need them to come closer? N S U A
6. Can you lean on your partner when you are anxious or unsure? N S U A
7. Is your partner emotionally accessible? Can you reach them? N S U A
8. Is your partner responsive? Can you rely on them to respond to you emotionally? N S U A
9. Is your partner engaged with you? Do you know they will value you and stay close? N S U A
10 Can you share your deepest feelings with your partner and know they will listen? N S U A
11 Can you trust your partner to comfort you if you need connection? N S U A
12 Does your partner show you that you come first with them? N S U A
13 Do you rarely (if ever) feel lonely or shut out in this relationship? N S U A
14 When you argue, are you still confident that you are important to your partner and that you will find a way to come together? N S U A
15 Does your partner easily reassure you of your importance to them when you need it? N S U A
16 Can you confide in your partner about nearly everything? N S U A
17 Even when physically apart, do you still feel connected? N S U A
18 Do you know your partner cares about your joys, hurts, and feelings? N S U A
19 Do you feel safe to take emotional risks with your partner? N S U A
What insights have you gained after comparing your results? Considering all this, what can your partner do to help you feel more secure? What can you do to help your partner feel more secure? I’ll explain a little more in the next blog.
