When Ministry and Marriage Collide – Honest Conversations about the Conflicts Leadership Couples Face and How to Thrive Through Them.
This is an exciting time for seasoned ministry leaders to model lasting love in a society so quick to discard it. While we live in an age where convenience and connection make lasting love easier, we also live in a world where distractions and disconnections make lasting love more challenging.
Numerous high-quality books on marriage are available already. There are more on leadership. Perhaps a good number on conflict management. When Ministry and Marriage Collide, is an offering from an insider’s perspective. I’ve been married 47 years, been in leadership for 43, been a counselor over 30, and now work as a certified relationship coach. I’ve worked internationally in missions for 18 years, pastored a multi-cultural faith community for 23, helped launch 9 non-profit ministries, sat on numerous boards, and advised others.
This book is also a recognition of a reality that scripture acknowledges. “An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs-how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world-how he can please his wife- and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world-how she can please her husband.” I Corinthians 7:32-34.
Resilient relationship is crucial for seasoned leaders. We read enough biographies and testimonials about those who have burned out, or else lost their relationship through poor choices and relationship breakdown. Many times, the relationship breakdowns seem to come from an inability to resolve conflict. We are uncomfortable with the options that face us. To speak truth in love, hoping for a resilient and dynamic partnership, or to stay numb and dumb, fearing rejection, and abandonment, so that we are left alone.
By God’s grace, we have been given a partner who is designed to stand with us as we face our fiercest dragons, as we soar to our highest heights, and as we walk through the deepest shadows of our inner self. No one else will know the best of us, and the worst of us, like this one. They will woo out the divine image, sift the chaff from the wheat, nurture the light during dark times, and call us to the freedom we were designed for. As they do for us, so we will do for them, if we understand how. Our relationship anchors all we do. When we feel deeply connected with our partner, we are more effective in our work and more contented in our relationships.
Coaching helps bring about alignment in communication, resolution in our conflict, and satisfaction in our intimacy. We, as those made in God’s image, are designed for social connection. The fear of disconnection strikes to the core of our being and yet, in the middle of an emotional storm, we can fail to understand how to reconnect. Thriving relationships arise through a five-level process which is anything but predictable. There are proven tools to manage the journey.
When Ministry and Marriage Collide focuses on seven couples talking through five marriage quagmires with their coach. The issues include Identity, Attachment, Calling, Family, and Intimacy. While not exactly a workbook for readers, there are tools laid out that can be utilized to help you walk through whatever you are facing in these areas. This book is not designed to solve all your conflicts, but to help you recognize the diversity of conflicts impacting ministry and marriage. It also is designed to help you see the diversity of help available and to encourage you to utilize that help.
Conflict is a path toward growth. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. [i] The challenge of this quote from Mignon McLaughlin is that our partner is always changing and so are we. With everything else in life changing as well, it is easy to get stuck along the way.
How does a leadership couple realize their ministry and marriage may have them stuck in a quagmire? That despite the external praise of others, their internal dreams and goals may be crashing. What is a quagmire when it comes to relationship? And if you get stuck in one, how do you get out? We’re here to explore all this through honest conversations. This book is designed as a companion volume to use with a relationship coach, but can be used separately if you so desire. Take your time and apply what you can.
Most Christian weddings will include a reading from I Corinthians 13:4-8 which says: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”[ii] If we applied this in everyday life to our marriage covenant relationship there would be little conflict to speak of. There is something wired deep within which pushes the edges of each of these characteristics of love.
Seasoned leaders are not free of this inner reality. Especially when they are stretched by numerous demands, expectations, and limitations. Now, imagine if you will, just past the reception area and the olive wood coat hanger, a third-floor corner office overlooking a typical city. To your left, on this side of the floor-to-ceiling curtained windows, is a Persian carpet. To your right, there’s a laptop opened on a mahogany desk with a plushy loveseat in front of it, and two padded office chairs to the side. There’s a counter with a coffee, tea set up, and a water cooler perched beside it. A bookshelf, stuffed with various books, sits against the wall, behind the desk, and there are artifacts from Africa, India, China, and the Middle East, inset here and there. To the right of the desk, a mounted curio cabinet holds various musical instruments from Latin America, and small Willow Tree figurines of affectionate husbands and wives. This is the setting where significant conversations are about to happen.
Let’s meet the couples who will share their conversations.
Jim and Sharon realized they were in a quagmire when their heated discussion surfaced a difficult, complicated, and unpleasant situation they didn’t know how to escape. They had navigated skillfully through their first and seventh-year challenges of marriage, and after celebrating their first decade in ministry, they had settled into a routine of how to manage life. What appeared to be a scheduling conflict around where holidays would be spent turned into a rapidly sinking swampland about control, manipulation, emotions, and unfaithfulness. What kind of an honest conversation would you have with Jim and Sharon?
Relationship quagmires may involve strong emotions where former best friends step into the quicksand of blaming, or else dance through their fear, guilt, and shame, with fight, flight, freeze, or fawning responses. Sometimes our routines can camouflage unresolved issues that have long lain dormant. Being nice is not always the best way to escape the unseen traps, minefields, and hot spots that arise when marriage and ministry collide.
Sam and Hannah rocked their friends when Hannah spent a week at a woman’s retreat and sent an email home that she would be taking an extended time away. Sam’s role as a prominent seminarian absorbed much of his energy, and the unexpected task of being the primary caregiver for his three children left him panicking and drawing on others to talk sense into his wife. When Hannah’s social media accounts boasted pictures of her in a new job and a new apartment, Sam came unglued. What kind of an honest conversation would you have with Sam and Hannah?
It is not surprising that lack of good communication is at the heart of many quagmires. The model of our family of origin, and the way we’ve learned to attach to our partner, to get our needs met, and our feelings satisfied, have a strong impact on how we bond. How well we understand our feelings, and how well we express those feelings, can also impact the effectiveness of our communication.
Francis and Nyota drifted apart after a dozen years in the busyness of ministry demands, technology pulls, and the unceasing expectations of needy community members. The two of them had also aligned themselves with different social causes that continued to sap up their heart focus. It was at a convention that Francis cringed under the convicting message of a speaker who talked about date nights, regular intimacy, and shared spiritual disciplines. His enthusiastic return to an empty home left him confused and wondering what to do next. In this case, Nyota had raced to spend a weekend with a friend in need, but the shock of what could have been stimulated them to rethink where they were at. What kind of honest conversation would you have with Francis and Nyota?
Rarely do newlyweds plan to drift apart, and the best of us can get waylaid by busyness and demands. The expectations of others can stretch us farther than we can give. These are human quagmires encountered by leaders. They are difficult and sticky situations that aren’t easy to escape without assistance. There are no simple solutions. What have others done?
Gerhard and Isabella were veteran missionaries with seventeen years of translation experience. Gerhard completed seminary in Germany, and joined a translation team in Congo where Isabella had come from Brazil to work as a nurse. An auto accident in his early years left Gerhard with a limp, and without parents. His uncle, a minister, raised him with a firm hand and a distant heart. His aunt was distracted with four other children whom she homeschooled. Isabella’s mother died of a fever, when Isabella was ten, and she stepped in as mother for her three younger siblings while trying to complete her education requirements. Her career, her mission-work, and her marriage, all felt like an escape from home until they started feeling like their own form of trap. It was clear her husband didn’t value her culture, her thoughts, or her family as much as she did. She searched online for a relationship coach. What kind of honest conversation would you have with Gerhard and Isabella?
Although it’s cliché that we should look back to move forward, it is an important part of growth to realize the impact that our family of origin has had on how we currently relate. The models we’ve watched, and the experiences we have endured, all affect us. In our marriage relationship we often are trying to duplicate what we knew, or we are reacting against it.
Hailey and Simon launched a counseling ministry focusing on at risk youth. Their clients were heavy on demand, and low on resources, but the two of them found ways to accommodate their schedule and activities. Their phones constantly rang, and meals together became few and far between. Eight years into their sacrificial work, several of their clients had become dependent enough to be more like family. Boundaries were blurred, and resentments about a lack of energy for intimate time together continued to surface. When a holiday got cancelled to deal with an emergency, Simon’s father suggested that the couple might need outside help. What kind of honest conversation would you have with Hailey and Sam?
Most quagmires begin innocently enough with sincere desires to make a difference. Leaders are often wired to serve others and there is a sense of value in pouring into the life of another. Things like margin, time together, and distance from dependent clients, can be compromised and impact the marital relationship. Resentments can grow slowly when someone outside the relationship begins to draw more and more time and energy. Refocusing priorities, and setting clear boundaries, is essential.
Ben and Susan felt a common conviction to leave their chosen careers to join in ministry with a congregation. There had been three years of seminary for both before their first child was born. They had loved to lead worship together but Susan paused this, to focus on raising their son and doing her courses online, while Ben saturated his mind with doctoral studies and church planting. While a small group of eager learners met for a year in their home it was easy to share their gifts with satisfaction. When an amenities room opened up in a community hall, and a second child arrived, Ben took on the primary oversight of the growing group and found others to provide hospitality and encouragement for new arrivals. Five years into the plant, Susan found herself stuck in a makeshift nursery looking after the little ones of others who gurgled their praise about Ben. One Sunday, as she stepped out of the swarm of writhing little bodies, and glanced into the ‘sanctuary’ to witness the powerful blend of voices, she was gobsmacked by the adoring gazes of the female worship leader and her husband as they shared a duet. An emptiness swept over her and during a walk that afternoon she poured out her sense of abandonment to her husband. What kind of honest conversation would you have with Ben and Susan?
Abandonment arises in so many ways among leadership marriages. It may not be a sexual affair, but the internal feelings of betrayal have all the hallmarks of such. The diversity of what might stand in for a mistress can include work, technology, hobbies, addictions and so much more. To make light of a partner’s sense of distancing, even if no physical affair is happening, can accentuate the depth of the quagmire you are in.
Esther and Phil had developed a progressive relationship. Esther accepted an executive role in her congregation as a leader of ministries and Phil built an online business at home while managing the household. Each week they set up their calendar appointments to avoid unnecessary conflicts but, as time passed, it seemed that the ministries were demanding more and more time with staffing issues, events, and organizational meetings growing. For ten years Phil said nothing, but he sensed a restlessness inside, and a loneliness he couldn’t fathom. There seemed to be no room for his input on decisions when it came to events, finances, or social outings. Something deep and dark was swallowing his sense of who he was and a deep guilt grew as his time on the computer took him to places he had never thought possible. When Esther impulsively opened his laptop, to access a small group study, she was shocked at what she found. What kind of honest conversation would you have with Esther and Phil?
The sense of identity and calling can strain the ties that bind when paths diverge. The sense of togetherness dissipates and two lonely pilgrims try to make sense of where the road divided. When we start feeling like our partner doesn’t value us, because they have no time for us, then we enter a quagmire that may get us in over our head.
At times it may seem that the one who pledged their love and life to us has forgotten every part of our vows. A foundational thing to believe is that conflict is growth waiting to happen. Another thing to remember is that, if you are a person of faith, that your prayer and spiritual disciplines together are more than rituals. Wise friends, a counselor, and accountability partners are more than busy spaces on your calendar. [i] Mignon McLaughlin, BrainyQuote.com, BrainyMedia Inc, 2023. https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/mignon_mclaughlin_106607, accessed November 1, 2023. [ii] I Corinthians 13:4-8a NIV. 2011.
