I've introduced you to the overall idea of When Ministry and Marriage Collide, and I've told you that the book will focus on honest conversations with couples. Let’s meet the couples who will share their conversations.
Jim and Sharon realized they were in a quagmire when their heated discussion surfaced a difficult, complicated, and unpleasant situation they didn’t know how to escape. They had navigated skillfully through their first and seventh-year challenges of marriage, and after celebrating their first decade in ministry, they had settled into a routine of how to manage life. What appeared to be a scheduling conflict around where holidays would be spent turned into a rapidly sinking swampland about control, manipulation, emotions, and unfaithfulness.
What kind of an honest conversation would you have with Jim and Sharon? Relationship quagmires may involve strong emotions where former best friends step into the quicksand of blaming, or else dance through their fear, guilt, and shame, with fight, flight, freeze, or fawning responses. Sometimes our routines can camouflage unresolved issues that have long lain dormant. Being nice is not always the best way to escape the unseen traps, minefields, and hot spots that arise when marriage and ministry collide.
Sam and Hannah rocked their friends when Hannah spent a week at a woman’s retreat and sent an email home that she would be taking an extended time away. Sam’s role as a prominent seminarian absorbed much of his energy, and the unexpected task of being the primary caregiver for his three children left him panicking and drawing on others to talk sense into his wife. When Hannah’s social media accounts boasted pictures of her in a new job and a new apartment, Sam came unglued.
What kind of an honest conversation would you have with Sam and Hannah? It is not surprising that lack of good communication is at the heart of many quagmires. The model of our family of origin, and the way we’ve learned to attach to our partner, to get our needs met, and our feelings satisfied, have a strong impact on how we bond. How well we understand our feelings, and how well we express those feelings, can also impact the effectiveness of our communication.
Francis and Nyota drifted apart after a dozen years in the busyness of ministry demands, technology pulls, and the unceasing expectations of needy community members. The two of them had also aligned themselves with different social causes that continued to sap up their heart focus. It was at a convention that Francis cringed under the convicting message of a speaker who talked about date nights, regular intimacy, and shared spiritual disciplines. His enthusiastic return to an empty home left him confused and wondering what to do next. In this case, Nyota had raced to spend a weekend with a friend in need, but the shock of what could have been stimulated them to rethink where they were at.
What kind of honest conversation would you have with Francis and Nyota? Rarely do newlyweds plan to drift apart, and the best of us can get waylaid by busyness and demands. The expectations of others can stretch us farther than we can give. These are human quagmires encountered by leaders. They are difficult and sticky situations that aren’t easy to escape without assistance. There are no simple solutions. What have others done?
Gerhard and Isabella were veteran missionaries with seventeen years of translation experience. Gerhard completed seminary in Germany, and joined a translation team in Congo where Isabella had come from Brazil to work as a nurse. An auto accident in his early years left Gerhard with a limp, and without parents. His uncle, a minister, raised him with a firm hand and a distant heart. His aunt was distracted with four other children whom she homeschooled. Isabella’s mother died of a fever, when Isabella was ten, and she stepped in as mother for her three younger siblings while trying to complete her education requirements. Her career, her mission-work, and her marriage, all felt like an escape from home until they started feeling like their own form of trap. It was clear her husband didn’t value her culture, her thoughts, or her family as much as she did. She searched online for a relationship coach.
What kind of honest conversation would you have with Gerhard and Isabella? Although it’s cliché that we should look back to move forward, it is an important part of growth to realize the impact that our family of origin has had on how we currently relate. The models we’ve watched, and the experiences we have endured, all affect us. In our marriage relationship we often are trying to duplicate what we knew, or we are reacting against it.
Hailey and Simon launched a counseling ministry focusing on at risk youth. Their clients were heavy on demand, and low on resources, but the two of them found ways to accommodate their schedule and activities. Their phones constantly rang, and meals together became few and far between. Eight years into their sacrificial work, several of their clients had become dependent enough to be more like family. Boundaries were blurred, and resentments about a lack of energy for intimate time together continued to surface. When a holiday got cancelled to deal with an emergency, Simon’s father suggested that the couple might need outside help.
What kind of honest conversation would you have with Hailey and Sam? Most quagmires begin innocently enough with sincere desires to make a difference. Leaders are often wired to serve others and there is a sense of value in pouring into the life of another. Things like margin, time together, and distance from dependent clients, can be compromised and impact the marital relationship. Resentments can grow slowly when someone outside the relationship begins to draw more and more time and energy. Refocusing priorities, and setting clear boundaries, is essential.
Ben and Susan felt a common conviction to leave their chosen careers to join in ministry with a congregation. There had been three years of seminary for both before their first child was born. They had loved to lead worship together but Susan paused this, to focus on raising their son and doing her courses online, while Ben saturated his mind with doctoral studies and church planting. While a small group of eager learners met for a year in their home it was easy to share their gifts with satisfaction. When an amenities room opened up in a community hall, and a second child arrived, Ben took on the primary oversight of the growing group and found others to provide hospitality and encouragement for new arrivals. Five years into the plant, Susan found herself stuck in a makeshift nursery looking after the little ones of others who gurgled their praise about Ben. One Sunday, as she stepped out of the swarm of writhing little bodies, and glanced into the ‘sanctuary’ to witness the powerful blend of voices, she was gobsmacked by the adoring gazes of the female worship leader and her husband as they shared a duet. An emptiness swept over her and during a walk that afternoon she poured out her sense of abandonment to her husband.
What kind of honest conversation would you have with Ben and Susan? Abandonment arises in so many ways among leadership marriages. It may not be a sexual affair, but the internal feelings of betrayal have all the hallmarks of such. The diversity of what might stand in for a mistress can include work, technology, hobbies, addictions and so much more. To make light of a partner’s sense of distancing, even if no physical affair is happening, can accentuate the depth of the quagmire you are in.
Esther and Phil had developed a progressive relationship. Esther accepted an executive role in her congregation as a leader of ministries and Phil built an online business at home while managing the household. Each week they set up their calendar appointments to avoid unnecessary conflicts but, as time passed, it seemed that the ministries were demanding more and more time with staffing issues, events, and organizational meetings growing. For ten years Phil said nothing, but he sensed a restlessness inside, and a loneliness he couldn’t fathom. There seemed to be no room for his input on decisions when it came to events, finances, or social outings. Something deep and dark was swallowing his sense of who he was and a deep guilt grew as his time on the computer took him to places he had never thought possible. When Esther impulsively opened his laptop, to access a small group study, she was shocked at what she found.
What kind of honest conversation would you have with Esther and Phil? The sense of identity and calling can strain the ties that bind when paths diverge. The sense of togetherness dissipates and two lonely pilgrims try to make sense of where the road divided. When we start feeling like our partner doesn’t value us, because they have no time for us, then we enter a quagmire that may get us in over our head. At times it may seem that the one who pledged their love and life to us has forgotten every part of our vows.
A foundational thing to believe is that conflict is growth waiting to happen. Another thing to remember is that, if you are a person of faith, that your prayer and spiritual disciplines together are more than rituals. Wise friends, a counselor, and accountability partners are more than busy spaces on your calendar. Before we look at specific quagmires, it is important to realize the stages that thriving relationships grow through. As you read through these stages see if you can identify which stage you and your partner might be in.
The 5 Stages of Thriving Relationships [1]
Romance: Most relationships that aren’t arranged in advance by family or outsiders start with some form of attraction, bonding, hopefulness, perhaps ecstasy, and bliss. You may have acted out your best behavior, focused on the best of your partner, given freely without scorekeeping and felt that surge of passion and vitality.
Power Struggle: Inevitably, once the newness and vitality of the relationship starts to grow into a rhythm, then other realities arise. For some reason, you may react negatively and habitually with your partner. You may feel disillusioned, angry, annoyed, disappointed, confused, or frustrated. You might notice conflict, secrets that surface, disconnection, settling, lack of desire, even blame and criticism. When you examine your partnership, it may now feel uninspiring, stuck in repetitive cycles, with less intimacy and emotional attachment. This is normal to experience, but not to stay in.
Commitment: Eventually, perhaps with outside assistance, there needs to be movement toward another stage after the power struggle. Both partners need to powerfully commit to do whatever is necessary to bring the relationship toward thriving and the best version of yourselves. Two questions need to be explored at this stage: “What does this relationship need from me to thrive?” and “How have I been contributing to what hasn’t been working – and how do I need to change and grow?” This stage is not the end, however.
Growth: If the relationship is to thrive, than there needs to be a threefold understanding. Partner one must be committed to external and internal growth; Partner two must be committed to external and internal growth; Both partners together must be committed to their relationship growth together. This involves an increasing awareness of what’s been going on underneath the challenges you’ve been facing. It means learning to break through issues which have gridlocked the relationship. It means applying new tools regularly, becoming more intentional, experiencing greater ease with each other, gaining more understanding, deeper connection, renewed hope, and finding joy in the journey.
Thriving: This is where we want all our marriages to be. Here’s where we are sharing an inspiring vision together that draws us forward into our future. We experience full safety and trust with each other in all areas of life. We develop a spirit of teamwork, togetherness, aliveness, and the making of our dreams come true. Our communication is healthy, positive, open, and we feel seen, heard, and valued. We experience and express daily appreciation, respond to challenges with shared wisdom, and sense fulfillment. Passion and romance are strong, and connection, secure attachment, and true love are firmly in place.
Alert - No relationship flows smoothly through these five stages. Collapsing back into the power struggle will happen over and over. It is recognizing this reality and embracing the resiliency and strengths of your relationships which will make your stays there shorter and your re-commitments sweeter. Many of the quagmires I am presenting show up in the second stage during power struggles. [i] With acknowledgements to Bret and Christine Eartheart. Center for Thriving Relationships.
