When Values and Needs Conflict
If you’ve been married any length of time, you’ve definitely faced a conflict over needs or values. Some of those conflicts are time specific and maybe easier to work through. For example, I told my wife I’d put the garbage and compost out last night. I got home late from a meeting and walked right past the two bins, had my bath, and went to bed. Early this morning the trucks came and our bins weren’t in place along the lane. My wife noticed and hauled the heavy bins up the hill to the lane. She wasn’t pleased.
That is definitely going to take some conversation and humility on my part but it isn’t a deal-breaker on our relationship. Now, if I tried this week after week, or if I told my wife that in my family my mother was the one who put out the trash and I wasn’t going to be doing that… we have a different story.
In the first instance, I have a solvable problem that my wife and I can work through. There aren’t really any hidden agendas or issues preventing me from following through on a commitment I made. A humble apology, forgiveness, and some accepted responsibility can change a tense situation.
In the second situation, where there are some issues connected with my birth family, my belief system, my values, or my needs, then the dynamic changes. Bringing some sense of privilege or entitlement into my own relationship based on roles played in another relationship can undermine the sense of partnership and team my wife and I need to operate a strong marriage. If we get stuck on talking about the garbage bins and never get past that to the hopes, dreams, and desires we have for our own home then we can get stuck in a quagmire.
The more personal an issue becomes, the stronger our emotional response and potential for perpetual conflict. Let’s say, we are discussing where to send our children to school and how much we’re willing to spend on their educational needs. Or let’s say we’re talking about the value of starting up our own business and what needs are essential to get it running and to keep it sustainable. Or let’s say our faith backgrounds are different and we’re discussing on how to raise up our children in their spirituality. Some of these issues hit us a little deeper.
We can find ourselves going round and round without finding any easy solution. That’s because we are dealing with core beliefs, values, and needs. We all have our learned conflict styles adopted to help us manage conflicts and the results are varied depending on our history. Knowing what is solvable and what is a perpetual conflict for us is a starting point.
Having a list of open-ended questions to help navigate disagreements can be helpful. Questions like:
Ø What do you think are all the things behind this issue we’re discussing?
Ø Where do you think all these are coming from?
Ø What is impacting the way you’re feeling about this?
Ø What beliefs or values are we touching on for you?
Ø What kinds of feelings come to the surface for you when you hear me talking?
Ø Where in your life have you felt this before?
Ø Was anything like this ever an issue in your birth family?
Ø What would be your ideal dream come true if you had to make this decision on your own?
Ø What’s the worst thing that could happen if we fail to find a different way or don’t solve this issue?
Most of the perpetual issues we get ourselves stuck in aren’t about who is right and who is wrong? It’s about how two individuals with different backgrounds, needs, personalities, beliefs, values, dreams, etc. form a functional team and partnership that is going to help both of them flourish. Reframing our conflicts can bring down the intensity, the blood pressure, the tension, and the impact on our ongoing relationship.
Lean into the deeper understanding that will help you both move forward. Become a little more curious about the person you are sharing life with. Believe first that your partner is a gift who will provide valuable wisdom, insight, direction, and possibilities for a better future. Having someone willing to open their heart and mind to help create a broad image of what is possible is beneficial to both of you.
