Your Bestie
I had to smile the other day when my youngest granddaughter sidled up to my wife and told her that in the coming days they would never have to say goodbye again because they were besties and she would be moving into the same house as us. This was true, but the part that made me smile is that my wife is my bestie and we’ve been together a lot longer.
The biggest part about our almost 50 years together is commitment lived out in everyday life.
We’ve chosen commitment through a wide diversity of feelings, experiences, and adventures. Regardless of the stories we told ourselves about what was happening, we chose to remain together in a relationship of loyalty, mutual support, patience, dedication, persistence, and love.
Inevitably, every couple has to answer the questions arising from the rough and tumble of relationship gone awry. John Gottman has manufactured a list of helpful prompts to get the dialogue going.
What does it mean to you to be a good friend? Do you feel that each of you is a good friend in this relationship?
Is it important to have a balance between giving and taking in this friendship? How are you doing in that regard?
How important is it for you to be able to express your true feelings to one another? Is it okay if you and your friend tell each other when you feel angry, sad, or afraid?
What’s the role of acceptance in this friendship? Can you rely on one another to feel affirmed? Supported? Valued? Is that important to you?
What’s the role of truthfulness in this friendship? Is it important for you to share honest opinions?
Is it okay to disagree?
Is it okay to feel jealous or resentful if this friend has close relationships with other people? Is it okay to express those feelings?
How important is trust and confidentiality in this friendship? What happens if you or your friend betrays that trust?
What’s the role of intimacy in this friendship? How much sharing is enough? How much is too much?
How dependent should you be on one another?
When asking for a favor, how much would be too much?
What’s the role of adventure in this friendship? Are you both satisfied with where it stands?
What’s the role of entertainment or amusement in this friendship? Are you both satisfied with where it stands?
How important is reliability in this friendship? Do you see it the same way?
How important is affection in this friendship? Are both of your needs being met?
How important is intellectual stimulation in this friendship? Are you both satisfied in this regard?
If one of you acquires a lot of money or status than the other, how would that affect your relationship?
How important is it to agree about spiritual matters or religion? Do you agree on those topics?
How important is it for you to agree about politics? Do you agree?
How important is it for you to pursue the same recreational or leisure time activities? Are you both satisfied with where this stands?
How important is it for you to have the same philosophy of family life or parenting? Do you share the same values in this area?
Writing these questions down on an index card, or capturing them on your phone, will allow you to pull them up during a coffee or dinner date, or during a walk and talk time you designate for this exploration. Friendship comes from intentional deposits into your love account. I encourage you to focus on doing all you can to build a strong and lasting relationship with your bestie.
